Countdown to our anniversary ~ 1

Tomorrow's the big day! And have you ever had one of those weeks, months, years where you barely have time to breathe, let alone connect on a heart level and really BE with each other? Really communicate? It's been like that lately. I'm so thankful Alex has the day off tomorrow so we can enjoy each others' company.

I had a lovely memory today about our daughter Bethany's birth.

All our births have been blessedly straightforward, with pain that I could manage without medication. With Bethany, we planned a homebirth as we had with Wolf and the twins.

This time, however, it didn't feel so straightforward. The pregnancy challenged me like little else has...and this was an uncomplicated pregnancy, with few issues to write of.

I desperately wanted labor to start. In fact, I did everything I could think of to try to kick start it as soon as I was one minute into my 37th week, while also being terrified that something would go wrong. Clinical experiences had changed my perception of childbirth into something far more fearful than I had known it to be before. I won't go into it here, but these experiences with other women had deeply humbled me.

Finally, on my original due date (smile), Alex went back to work after taking the prior week off. We thought for sure I would have been in labor that week but we were now at risk of losing his time off after the birth if we kept up with that practice. Our twins' birth took two and a half hours and it takes Alex a good while to get in a position to leave work and get home so we had been playing it safe.

That night, labor began fast and furious. WHAM! Contractions did not gradually build. I contacted my midwife and Alex and they both left to get home in time. I felt like such a baby. It hurt SO BAD!! I couldn't get comfortable. My back was killing me. I thought of all the classes I had taught about laboring on hands and knees in order to remove pressure from the back and realized I was wrong, wrong, wrong. At least, in my case. The only thing that helped for a few brief moments at a time was to straighten myself out, even to the point of bending backwards, what little I could.

I felt so alone. All the kids were asleep, for which I was grateful, because at one point Zoya woke up to use the bathroom and I offered to let her sleep on the bathroom floor if only she would stay in there with me. She looked at me like I was crazy and went back to bed. (Um, yeah, that doesn't sound so good to me either!)

Alex and our midwife showed up at the same time~~such a relief. I kept hearing Zoya's voice in my head reciting her Bible verses. "Come unto me and I will give you rest."

With all our past births, I didn't want any "hands on" care. I didn't need massage or back rubs or even close proximity. I wanted space. This time around, I tried draping myself over the birth ball (it had worked in the past) and I wanted to stab it. The only possible place that would provide any comfort would be Alex's lap. I just needed him.

I draped myself over his lap and he rubbed my back. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Thankfully, she was born shortly after that. That time with Alex was my one moment of peace during her birth. As her head crowned, I remember yelling at everyone, "Is she out? IS SHE OUT?" I had no clue what was happening and I was very scared.

But I knew my happy place. :)