Are You making me nothing or using me for something?

I wrote and published this way back on the 23rd. Then, I promptly took it down. Now, I've decided to go ahead and place this in the "Posts That Make Me Feel Squeamish and Vulnerable" category. Lord, have mercy!

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I love blogging...it is a pleasurable way to spend time, and I have a lot of it after the kids go to bed. My husband works until around 2 in the morning so, once the kids are in bed, I have some hours (hopefully...provided I don't crash on the couch) to do some writing and other pursuits. My blog has never "hit it big;" I don't have a huge amount of readers. I get some comments here and there but never the large amount I once envisioned, as it is so enjoyable to interact with readers.

So why make the blog private? Why, when the winter is quickly approaching and I soon get to use my winter template! With the snow! (I love my winter template.)

The answer is, frankly, "God said so."

It might sound downright bizarre to think that I'm basing my life decisions on that vague concept of "the voice of God." I think of all the many years I spent planning my life out, writing down the specific steps to accomplish any particular plan. When was the last time I did that? Do my "40 Things" count? And yet, how full, how rich this life has become, in stark contrast to what I was formerly making it. Thank you God.

The other day, I had the pleasure of meeting fellow blogger Sarah for coffee. We had met before but had never spent any time speaking in person, though I absolutely love her blog. She has a great talent for expressing her spirituality with clarity, and it turns out this talent extends to her verbal skills in addition to her writing.

Sarah made two statements in particular to which I could fervently relate. The first is that "The more I follow God, the more uncertain I am about what will come next for me and the more peace I have in that uncertainty." I totally related to that statement. I have, simply, ceased trying to "get" what's coming next. I know what God has given me to know thus far, and I know the limits of my own knowledge about the future. I thought for sure I'd be heading into nurse-midwifery after nursing school, for instance. Now, the only thing I know for sure is that I need to stay committed to doing the program. That's it. And I'm totally okay with that.

The second comment she made just cracked me up. "The voice of God doesn't get louder, but it doesn't shut up either."

"Did you just say that God's voice 'doesn't shut up'?!" I asked in amusement and a little bit of shock.

This is so true! The voice of God doesn't shut up. Ever considerate. Always loving. VERY insistent. Doesn't go away. Doesn't fade out...it may not be a voice at all but it is penetrating above other thoughts and has this undeniable sense of rightness. At least, in my experience.

So even though I really would rather more people read my blog, not less, I'm going to make it private. But am I totally at peace with the decision? Not yet.

It's not because I don't have faith that this is for the best. I absolutely know that He has something new and different in store for me and that it will glorify Him.

But my lack of peace is because these last few months have been about breaking down pride in me. And my questions become, "Are You making me nothing, Lord? Or are you going to use me for something?"

I want to be okay with either answer. But my human self is kind of hoping that GOD WANTS TO MAKE ME A FAMOUS AUTHOR! OR RICH! Kind of like Anne Rice after she consecrated her writing to God, which is what I did not too long ago also.

As I sit with these questions and squirm with all they imply, I realize that consecrating one's abilities to God will result in an answer of "yes" to each of those questions. Yes, He is making me nothing. Yes, He is using me for something. It feels vulnerable to let go of my own will here. There's self-consciousness also. I will appear inconsistent. I will annoy people with my inability to stand up for myself. My ego is railing and, most of the time, that's rather how I want it to be. But ouch.