Lately, I've been pondering this burden I create for myself by writing a blog.
This is not the first time I've faced it. I am still in the process of transitioning through a career change, so to speak, pertaining to my former activism in the natural childbirth community.
My husband and I used to market a film which sold all over the world and centered around the unassisted homebirth of our twins. I worked as a doula (labor support provider), midwifery apprentice, childbirth educator, and writer about these causes. Occasionally, we appeared on television, showed up in books here and there, and can still be stumbled upon on via the Discovery Health channel (creepy sound effects and all).
Initially, I quit my apprenticeship and stopped teaching classes; then we quit distributing the film. I experienced a very self-conscious and self-centered response to my own quitting, as though the whole planet must be centered around my every move and wondering each moment what I was thinking. I have never really explained why I quit all my involvements in these areas except to a few close friends and my distributors. I have tried to simply disappear from the scene while also feeling that the public aspect of the work obligates me to at least explain myself.
The reason I quit it all was because...I changed my mind. About a lot of things. I no longer believed that the film was doing the good I had originally intended. I no longer agreed with many of my own teachings. I no longer felt I was "right." In fact, as I painfully appraised the times I knew my work had contributed to "wrong," in spite of my original intentions, I could not continue doing what I was doing. Even though I was vested. Even though I made money. Even though people expected me to continue doing it my whole life. It hurt, but it was completely necessary.
Sadly, it put me at odds with a great many people whom I would consider friends. It is easy to have conversations with friends one totally agrees with, but when one person in the friendship veers in a completely different direction, awkwardness, misunderstanding and pain can result. I like to think I can handle these issues maturely, but frankly, I haven't had to handle them much at all until now.
So what does this have to do with blogging? As I've mentioned a few times now, I am converting to Catholicism and my husband is returning to it. THIS IS A GREAT BIG DEAL TO US! It probably isn't that big of a deal to you. And if this had happened ten years ago before I had the opportunity to blog about my life, I wouldn't be too concerned about these types of announcements. But since I do have a blog, a public one, I feel conscious of the fact that many of my dear friends who read this are, for instance, members of our former church, or members of a different faith, or people who just don't care about religion that much. I pray I can write about these changes in a way that points to the Author, rather than the author, and that I can truly praise Him for the many, many ways He reveals Himself to us all.
Please pray for us! I look forward to keeping you updated and so deeply appreciate your support.
Well, Mindy, I enjoy your writing about any topic. I am learning more about the Catholic faith through your journey than I knew in my first 18 years as a Catholic, private school and all.
ReplyDeleteIt is obviously your choice to make decisions about your own life and if people are going to hold your choices against you then maybe they appreciate you for what you do rather than who you are. Or they equate who you are to what you do. It can be a difficult thing to differentiate at times.
When we take a look at our own lives and see mistakes we've made, especially ones we have held so strongly to, it takes a strong person to admit those mistakes and make the necessary changes. Unfortunately others may see our changes as giving up or selling out. Others who applaud the cahnges might say "I told you so" which stings just as bad.
We need only worry about what God will say when He welcomes us into His heavenly kingdom. If you can stand by your choices, mistakes and all, with Him then that is all that matters.
It is tough with your life on display through a blog. I've avoided whole topics because of it. For example, I'm Reformed and my parents are Assembly of God. Haa, that is almost as wide a chasm as Catholic and Assembly of God.
ReplyDeleteGod is working in your life. That is what comes through on your blog and it is why I read it. God isn't finished with any of us yet and I hope if someone were to read a journal entry of mine from 10 years ago it would sound completely different from the Daisy of today. I rejoice in that fact.
This is really interesting, Mindy. I've wondered about your distancing yourself from the birth world, though it makes sense to me as a private person, and somebody who likes to leave the past behind her. I don't know if I'd agree with you exactly about birth politics (not that it matters), but I totally understand how hard it is to quit something you're invested in. I quit the Peace Corps, did I ever tell you about that? That was hard.
ReplyDeleteI've also been interested in your conversion. Having found Buddhism in the past couple years, I get it. We should talk about it sometime -- it's an entirely different approach to faith, but many things you mention have direct parallels in Buddhism.